Feed on

 Marvel Universe Gigantic Battles (Bill Foster) Goliath by Hasbro

When he is small, does he put on a giant outfit and then grow into it? – Hagop’s Girlfriend

When Hasbro revealed its latest Gigantic Battles sets awhile back, I knew I had to have the Bill Foster Goliath figure. He’s one of my favorite Marvel legacy characters, and I was excited to add him to my Marvel Legends collection. However, Gigantic Battles are an exclusive to Wal Mart and I live in New York City with zero access to Wal Marts. Fortunately, I was saved by TheFwoosh.com board member MetalLuna, who was kind enough to pick one up for me. I had him send it ‘loose’, so as to cut down on shipping costs.

When the package arrived, wrapped in brown paper, my girlfriend knew it was probably an action figure. She doesn’t know anything about comic books or toys, but by now, she’s used to strange packages of all shapes and sizes arriving from all over the world. Such is this hobby. When this one arrived, she asked, “Who’s in there?”. She likes to look them over as I open them up and often has some fascinating insights as she’s introduced to these characters for the first time. So, I thought it might be interesting to let her open the package and conduct her own review of its contents. I pushed the record button on my voice recorder and here’s what followed:

Hagop’s Girlfriend: First of all I think it’s telling that it comes in a child’s shoebox.

Hagop: Well, obviously this isn’t the packaging it’s sold in. This is just the box it got shipped in-

HG: Yes, but it came in the mail in a child’s shoebox. I just want that to be noted for the public.

(She proceeds to open the box. The Marvel Universe Thor Clone figure is first out.)

HG: Alright, well this is like, a Terminator He-Man? And it’s tiny. And it’s super bendy; I don’t want to break it.

Oh, I see- he’s Thor. I can tell that because he’s holding a hammer that says ‘Thor’. And he’s wearing, for whatever reason, the wings of Mercury on his head. I don’t think that’s particularly accurate, mythically.

H: Well, actually he’s a cyborg clone of Thor.

HG: Ok. Oh look- his cape fell off. He’s naked.

(Setting ‘Clor’ aside, Bill Foster Goliath is next out of the box)

Umm…I don’t know where to start.

This is the gayest thing I’ve ever seen.

H: What? Why is it gay?

HG: I mean, how isn’t it gay? First of all, he’s got a big buckle with a ‘G’ on it. G for gay.

And I don’t mean that pejoratively – you know I love the gays. But he’s wearing a super tight white t-shirt, a v-neck no less, he’s very well groomed. He would look at home monday nights at Splash Bar NYC- Musical Mondays.

Well, he is African-American, so I appreciate that about him. He’s on the ‘down low’, as they say.

I think it’s nice that the community of comic booklets is working on…

H: Diversity?

HG: Yeah. Diversifying their base. Gay, black people.

Also, he has, I guess it’s not just a belt, it’s a utility belt. And see? His cell phone can go in here-

H: What, while he’s dancing?

HG: Exactly! It’s like a fanny-pack. But it’s like a stylish fanny-back. It wouldn’t be out of place coming down the runway in Dolce + Gabanna.

‘G’ for gay.

I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know what to say about this except that he really, really does look like a Chelsea boy. I mean look- he doesn’t even have pupils because he’s so high the drugs. Or maybe he’s just high on life, I don’t know. Who’s to say?

And one of his hands is in a fist and the other one is in the classic ballerina stance…am I right?

I don’t want to break him- his joints are a little tight. Although his hips are very flexible.

H: Do you know anything about this character? Do you know what his super power is?

HG: I don’t know man, you’re guess is as good as mine. Frankly, I think he looks a little bit like a penis.

H: What?! How does he look like a penis?

HG: These veins. (points out the detail on his thighs) I feel like the sculptors go overboard with the veins and they just make their legs look like penises.

H: Because of the veins?

HG: Look! It’s like the veins of a penis. I know that’s dirty, but it’s the veins of a penis. I don’t know how many penises you’ve seen, but…

Yeah, I don’t know. Maybe his super power is sashaying. Or interior design.

H: He can grow to giant size. He gets really big, like-

HG: Like a penis.

I don’t know. That doesn’t seem like much of a super power to me.

Is he going to fit into the trunk? [Due to our small, New York apartment, most of my action figures are stored in foot lockers]

(I then begin checking Goliath’s joints by posing him)

Honey, you’re putting him in warrior 2. That’s a yoga pose.

Also- I don’t understand why he’s wearing a mask. Because it’s not like…if he’s a gazillion feet tall…

H: Well, he is normal sized, but then he can grow when he’s heroing.

HG: Ok, but if he’s normal sized and then he’s huge, is anybody really going to… I mean it’s one thing if you’re Wonder Woman or Superman and you’re one size all the time. But if you’re like the Hulk…the Hulk doesn’t need to wear a mask. Also: This guy doesn’t need to wear a mask. Also: That tiny mask is not going to protect anybody’s identity anyway.

Also: This is actually a question I have. Now, I know that the laws of physics are not necessarily the same across the board for all superheroes, but like…so he’s got this giant outfit. When he is small, does he put on a giant outfit and then grow into it? Or are his clothes somehow not adhering to the laws of physics?

H: Well you hit right on it. It’s called unstable molecules.

HG: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

H: They were invented by Reed Richards.

HG: I know who Reed Richards is. He’s in the Fantastic Four. You’ve ruined me for life.

Now this guy (Clone Thor) –he’s held together with rubber bands.

H: No, it just feels that way.

HG: I’m sure there’s a thousand comic books that explain all this, but frankly, if you are going to make [robotic] clones, why don’t you just make them look like Cylons? Why go through all the trouble of making him look like Thor? It just seems like gilding the lily.

Also, why did you get this guy? You don’t like the 4” guys, right?

H: They come as a set. It’s called Gigantic Battles.

HG: Wait, ’Gigantic Battles’?

H: Yeah, so the play pattern is-

HG: The ‘play pattern’? The PLAY PATTERN?!

H: That’s an industry term.

HG: What are you talking about?!

H: It’s the terminology. There needs to be a play pattern.

HG: Will you show me your play pattern?

I don’t know. All superheroes are gay. End of story.

H: Some superheroes are gay, you know.

HG: I’m glad.

But really, anybody who thinks this much about their costume…Well, I’ll say this: All male superheroes are gay. And all female superheroes are like, the desperate, Jersey Shore-type of “empowered” women. They’re like J-Wow. And I don’t really know anything about that program because I’ve never watched it, but just from the pop culture that sort of seeps in through the cracks, I feel like they are all like J-Wow. Because they wear the most ridiculous outfits and they fight, but I feel like they’re all fighting for male approval because they wear ridiculous costumes that are impossible to move in and hitch their junk up – like, their cleavage? They have cleavage up to their chin. And they’re basically naked. But they’re fighting ‘cause they’re empowered. Except they’re not. If they were really empowered, then they would be wearing clothing that wasn’t so completely based in male fantasy. They wouldn’t be wearing heels.

H: The tight costumes originally come from artists interested in drawing the human form in action…

HG: Sure. That makes sense to me from an artistic perspective. It does not make sense to me from a story-teller’s perspective. I feel at some point, some comic book writer should have been like, “Why are they all naked? Except for belts.”

I don’t know if I have anything else to say about these particular guys. I could riff for a lot longer on some other guys but…

H: Well, we’ll have some new Green Lanterns coming soon.

HG: I like how they all look like plankton.

4 Responses to “My Girlfriend Reviews Gigantic Battles Goliath”

  1. Wes says:

    Hagop, your girlfriend is hilarious. You should get her in on reviews more often!

  2. sexyvonpoopy says:

    It kinda felt like she was bragging about being an expert on gay men and their junk.

  3. Sector1014 says:

    Ha! I have had many conversations like this with my wife–great idea to record it.

  4. […] singular perspective on my action figure collection, and so I recently asked her to review the new Gigantic Battles Goliath and Clor set. Due to popular demand, I have asked her to once again conduct a review of my newest purchase. […]

Leave a Reply