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“I bet that we would be best friends, if I was a Green Lantern. ‘Cause we’d go to karaoke all the time.” -Hagop’s Girlfriend

My girlfriend has a singular perspective on my action figure collection, and so I recently asked her to review the new Gigantic Battles Goliath and Clor set. Due to popular demand, I have asked her to once again conduct a review of my newest purchase. This time it’s the Green Lantern Movie Masters Rot Lop Fan, by Mattel.

Unlike the last time, I was able to buy this figure at retail, so I presented her with the unopened package…

 

Hagop’s Girlfriend: Is he a toad?

Hagop: He is Rot Lop Fan.

HG: Rot Lop Fan? That’s his name? Rort, Ra – try saying that ten times fast. Rotlopfan Rotlopfan.

So when everybody’s hanging out they’re like, “Hey, Rot.” Rot’s his first name, Lop’s his middle name, and Fan’s his last? So when he was lining up for the lunch line he would line up after…Fa…Frank Famady.

H: Yeah, he was always behind Frank Famady.

HG: (Reads from the package in her best, low-pitched, boys’ action toy commercial voice-over voice) “Build Parallax! Includes Collect and Connect piece!”

His Lantern… I mean, I don’t even know what to do with this guy. He. Looks. Like a parasite.

H: Shall we take him out?

HG: I don’t know if I’m done with the box yet.

Oh look- you can “build Parallax with these figures”. It’s horrifying.

Alright, take him out of the box. I need to see what this slug looks like.

(removing the Parallax collect & connect piece first)

Ok- well this thing. This collect and connect thing. This looks like something out of Naked Lunch. No seriously, it’s like a cross between the little whatsit that explodes out of the dude’s stomach in Aliens and the Naked Lunch creatures. I don’t know if I want you to collect and connect the rest of this.

H: I don’t think I’m going to.

HG: Alright. (removes Rot Lop Fan and looks him over) What… Is he a cockroach?

H: He’s an alien.

HG: Mmmm…He’s a cockroach. He’s an insane Cockroach. How is he supposed to stand? Does he sort of like-

H: He sort of-

HG: Stands like an ape?

H: Exactly.

HG: I can see that from his accurate anatomical posturing. Oh babe, I think his biceps are on backwards.

H: (I grab RLF and quickly look him over) No, I think he’s just-

HG: I was just fucking with you.

H: You almost got me.

HG: What are these things? (points to the grey ovals on his back)

H: Ears?

HG: What?! No. They’re not. You know what these are? You know butterflies, they have the spots and stuff on their butterfly things? And it is in order to make it look like they have giant eyes, so the predators are like, “Why is that thing staring at me?” But really the butterfly is just like…butterflying around.

H: Right.

HG: I don’t like these little things that are poking out of his sides. They make me nervous. They’re sharp. Like, if you gave this to a kid? This is what would happen if you actually gave this to a child: First, the child would chew off the little things on the side – well that’s one of two scenarios – Either they chew them off OR they would poke themselves in the eye with it. This toy is completely too pointy to actually give to a child.

H: Well it is supposedly a collector’s focused line. Even though the box says…

HG: For ages 10 and up? For ages 6 and up? It’s 6 and up, isn’t it?

H: Actually, I can’t find it. It does say Adult Collector on the top.

HG: This is way too terrifying to give to a child.

H: Oh here it is. ‘Not for children 3 and under’.

HG: So a 4 year old could have this toy?

H: Apparently.

HG: This terrifying toy.

H: It’s not terrifying.

HG: It’s terrifying! Wait! Plus- it has genitalia.

H: What are you talking about?!

HG: Look at it’s genitalia.

H: Where?

HG: There.

H: That is like his tail bone.

HG: It’s an alien, how can you tell? Maybe that’s what their alien genitalia looks like.

H: (Turning over the figure to point out how the shell terminates in a coccyx-like point) Look – that’s his shell and see…?

HG: Well from the front? It looks like his junk.

H: Alright.

HG: (looks him over some more) His fingers are crazy. There’s his ring.

(makes him do a dance) I made him do a hula dance.

This is really a very disturbing figure.

H: How is it disturbing?

HG: It just is…I don’t know. It looks like all the worst animals in the world. I know I sound like Karl Pilkington right now, but it’s like a combination of the worst animals in the world. I know he’s a Green Lantern and he’s meant to be good but I can’t help judging an action figure by his cover and he looks like a crazy zombie fruit bat.

H: So you wouldn’t like this figure for your own?

HG: No.

Well I mean, I guess he looks friendly enough. He sort of has the face of a mole, and it looks like he’s kind of smiling a little bit. He’s like a friendly, disgusting slug mole. But at the end of the day he’s still a disgusting slug mole.

H: Right.

HG: What does his shell protect him from?

H: Umm…I don’t know.

HG: And he’s three-toed. He walks on his tip-toes like a super model.

H: Would you like to know a little about this character?

HG: I suppose.

H: He comes from a planet where he lives deep underground and there is no light. So he’s blind.

HG: Ok.

H: Consequently, he has no concept of light or color. And he was chosen to be a Green Lantern-

HG: But he doesn’t know what green is.

H: Right. So, it gets explained to him as sound. Instead of a lantern- a bell. He’s a member of the F Sharp Bell Corps.

HG: I was going to ask you about his funky insignia.

H: Yeah. It’s a bell.

HG: Well this is what’s funny about that: he has a different insignia but he’s blind and he can’t fucking see it. What’s the point? I mean I guess the only logical explanation for why he has a different insignia is so that the other Green Lanterns wouldn’t be like, “Hey, Green Lantern! (pause) Hey! (pause) Hey!” And he’s like, “I don’t know Green”. Or they wouldn’t be like, “Look at that!” And then make him feel bad. I bet he’s pretty sad most of the time. He knows that he’s different. He knows that he’s a grotesque oddity.

H: Within the Green Lantern Corps, he’s not really a grotesque oddity.

HG: I don’t know. Most of the Green Lantern Corps – they might be alien but they’re like… a squirrel. A hyper-intelligent squirrel. This is like a weird…well he’s not a mollusk, he has a shell, but…

Also, how does he wear his little uniform? It’s like blending into his shell. Did they just paint him? Were they like, “Hold still.”?

H: No. The ring creates the uniform on the wearer.

HG: But it creates the same uniform on everybody, more or less. Do you get to customize it?

H: Sure.

HG: Are you like, “mmm…I want my boots to be a little taller. Could you take it in half an inch here? I’d actually like some clam diggers…”

H: I don’t think there are any Green Lanterns with clam diggers.

HG: Why are the Green Lantern Corps so racist against clam diggers?

H: Do you want to see the comic book where he first appeared?

HG: No.

H: It’s on the iPad.

HG: Oh. Ok then.

H: You’re a sucker for iPad.

HG: I’m just a sucker for not waiting for twenty minutes while you find a comic book.

(While the app loads the comic, she continues to play with Rot Lop)

I will suck your blood…

Put your arms in the air, if you a true playa…

(The comic is up and I flip to the Rot Lop story by Alan Moore, which also stars Katma Tui.)

HG: Waitaminute. That Green Lanterness has Green Lantern earrings?

H: I told you they could customize their uniforms.

(We skim through the short story of Rot Lop Fan’s origin)

HG: So, in this comic book he’s basically, like, transparent?

H: He’s rock colored. He’s made of silicone.

HG: Oh look, now he’s got an outfit. And somehow the outfit turns him into a muscle man.

Let me ask you this: This goes back to his blindness. So, he gets his own special insignia ‘cause he can’t see, he can only hear. Fine. Whatever. It’s weird, but whatever. But the ring- if he gets to customize what he’s wearing, wouldn’t he then opt for the most comfortable outfit? And this just can’t be the most comfortable outfit.

I do approve of the fact that this female Green Lantern is not wearing high heels.

I feel kind of bad. I’m sure he’s a very nice person. Because I’ve learned that in the comic books, the most disgusting looking creatures are usually the best ones. They’re like, the keepers of goodness.

H: Where did you learn that?

HG: I learned it from watching you.

I bet that we [she and Fan] would be best friends, if I was a Green Lantern. Cause we’d go to karaoke all the time.

H: He’d probably be very good at karaoke, considering his background.

HG: He would. We’d do duets (sings)

“summer lovin’ havin a bla-ast”
“snurko nerta yerkis ablur-ta”

I think that’s all I have to say about him. Do you like him?

H: Yeah. I think I’m going to repaint him though, so that he has a comic accurate costume.

HG: (enormous sigh)

You’re gonna repaint him?

(fiddling with RLF again)

You know what I want to do? I want to make a stop motion animation of ‘Green Lantern Dance Party’. (sings) “They’re having a dance par-ty! A dance party in SPACE!”.

And then a cat will come in and they’ll all battle the cat. Peyoo! Peyoo!

He’s got the stance of a professional bicyclist. I bet he’d be great on a bicycle. You’re a professional customizer- you can customize a bike for him to ride. That’s how I would like that figure more.

H: If he had a bike?

HG: Yeah. I wish that you would start customizing things that are not comic book things. Like, I want my own action figure. And I wish that you would do action figures of like…I don’t know…fish.

H: Fish? Just a regular fish?

HG: Just a regular fish. And he doesn’t have any super powers.

3 Responses to “My Girlfriend Reviews Green Lantern Movie Masters Rot Lop Fan”

  1. Sector1014 says:

    Good stuff again. I really enjoy these. Deep chuckle at the enormous sigh. 🙂

  2. Joe says:

    your girlfriend’s metaphors are magical. this was my favorite action figure review to date. “a dance party in SPACE!” LMAO

  3. hugo says:

    this is great. i bought this guy and actually like him, but yea the convo with my girlfriend was very similar. awesome.

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