What kind of battles are you going to have with this guy? Is it like, “ooooohh, my real estate office…”, “ooohhh, I’m a hospital administrator”? -Hagop’s Girlfriend
It’s time for another review by my girlfriend. Today she lends her singular perspective to Mattel’s new Batman Legacy 2-pack featuring Prototype Suit Batman and Lt. Jim Gordon. Before reading this, you should understand that when she makes the action figures talk, she also makes the appropriate voices for them, and her Christian Bale is pretty dead-on.
Hagop: Here’s the box.
Hagop’s Girlfriend: Ok, first of all this box has been sitting in our living room for awhile.
They did a pretty good job of making that look like Christian Bale. At least in the picture.
HG: Prototype Suit Batman. Lt. Jim Gordon. Ok, so we’re going to look at both of them I guess.
“The Legacy edition”. So this is for your legacy? So in your will we can expect that these will be handed down generation to generation until they wind up on the 2042 edition of Antiques Roadshow?
(Discovering Batman’s ski mask) Oh look – he’s a cat burglar. (Putting it on the figure’s head) This is weeeird. I like it though. He has an “asses-ory”. And he doesn’t look that much like Christian Bale after all. He looks like he smelled something bad. He looks like he’s a normal guy except that he smelled something bad. Right?
H: He smells crime.
HG: If you say so. Either that, or his little jumpsuit is too tight around his…you know; his bits and pieces. ‘Cause that looks like it could definitely cut off circulation to his manly areas.
Why do they put out so many different versions of these things?
H: I don’t know. That’s a good question.
HG: I mean, do we really need a Christian Bale Batman in his prototype suit?
Did he come with any weapons? Or are his fists his only weapons.
H: No. No weapons.
HG: So he came with a balaclava? He has a balaclava.
HG: (in Christian Bale Batman-voice) “I will hurt you with my fists.”
But he still has the little grippers? So in case you want to use any of your accessories from other guys.
H: The what? What are you talking about?
HG: Look- he has like…he can hold things.
H: Oh, his hands. Yeah. They’re molded to hold things.
HG: But they don’t give him anything to hold. Can you take off this part of his outfit?
H: I don’t know…I think you probably (trying to remove harness)…I guess not. You’d have to cut it off.
HG: Eh. Prototype suit. It just seems so fancy for a prototype suit. I guess that’s the point though, right? He’s not held together by duct tape ‘cause he’s a gazillionaire. Also, his head’s crooked, right?
HG: Oh. But it can kind of wiggle from side to side so he can sort of give you a quizzical look. Like, “Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?” m’kay. I’m sort of bored with him.
This is Commissioner Gordon.
H: Hey- where’s his gun?
HG: You lost it? Awww, they’re like Barbie shoes, aren’t they?
H: Here it is.
HG: Ok, well his gun fits into his- OH- look how detailed! How his little trigger finger goes.
Now, we talked about this a little bit before; How this is the most boring action figure ever. A guy in a suit with glasses. A middle-aged guy with a moustache. What kind of battles are you going to have with this guy? Is it like, “ooooohh, my real estate office…” “ooohhh, I’m a hospital administrator.” He’s just so shlubby. I mean, I like his glasses, I think it’s great. I think more action figures should have glasses. And not just the blind ones. (rolls eyes). His head is too loose.
H: Is it?
HG: It’s way too wiggly. It should be less wiggly than that because you can shake him and his head goes blurblurblrubblurb.
So…they can just sit and he can go-
(At this point she holds one in each hand and has them “talk” to each other.)
“You’re a vigilante.”
(Bale voice) “Yes I am. And this is my prototype suit.”
“Well it’s very nice to meet you.”
(Bale) “It’s nice to meet you too”
“So how about this weather we’ve been having?”
(Bale) “Yeah it’s been really hot”
“And humid-don’t forget about the humidity. You know what they say; it’s not the heat- it’s the humidity.”
I mean, is that what they do—these two together, as a Legacy couple?
H: No, they can fight bad guys and stuff. I mean, he has a gun.
HG: So between them, they have one gun and a balaclava.
H: Yes. So…they can…fight the Joker.
HG: Yeah. Or they could go skeet shootin’.
Ummm…what else is there to be said? I really like his trench coat, but it really does look more like a wizard’s cape. Doesn’t it? The problem is they just give him a long vest over colored sleeves. I mean its not his fault.
Also, Commissioner Gordon does not have many muscles.
H: Well, he’s just a regular guy.
HG: Well I think its unfair representation. I wonder how…
H: Gary Oldman?
HG: Yeah, Gary Oldman. I was almost going to say Gary Sinise. But I wonder how he feels about it. He is one of the finest actors in-
HG: Sid and Nancy? Deny it. Deny Sid and Nancy. I dare you to deny Sid and Nancy.
H: Did you see The Professional or any number of other over-the-top, scenery-chewing parts of his later work?
HG: That’s what makes him such a genius. Did you see him in everything he’s ever done, and about how he is not afraid to be over-the-top and it is what makes him a great movie actor, and unforgettable in his performances? Apologize to the action figure.
H: I’m sorry Lieutenant.
HG: He was great in this part!
H: Yes. He was very good in Batman.
HG: But they made him look so shlubby. If you’re going to make somebody an action figure- I mean, they didn’t straighten his collar, his head’s loose, his glasses are dirty. He can’t see out of these glasses. They made him kind of mouse colored. His tie’s a little crooked.
(Inspecting him more closely under his trench coat) I don’t—ohhhhhh. They made him pigeon-chested!
H: That’s just the torso joint. You can move it back. Hmm…I guess the coat blocks it.
HG: They made him look like dudes I dated in high school: very skinny with a concave chest.
They should have given him some grey hair.
H: Did he have grey hair in the movie? I don’t remember. They’re trying to make it movie accurate.
HG: Well if they were trying to make it movie accurate, they would have made this person (the Batman figure)- well, I guess it’s hard to make a tiny, plastic head resemble an actual human, but: (Bale voice) “What’s that smell?”
What are these? What are these supposed to be?
H: Those are just sharp…things that he can slash you with.
HG: That seems way too dangerous.
H: But he’s Batman!
HG: Yeah, but look (demonstrates Batman impaling himself on his glove spikes) – OWW!
H: He’s a martial artist, he’s not going to do that.
HG: Ninjas don’t need all this garbage. I just think it’s way too dangerous.
H: Being Batman is probably pretty dangerous.
HG: Yeah- any normal human being would not be Batman. Any rational human being- you know what a more rational thing for Bruce Wayne to do would have been? Run for office.
H: Don’t you remember The Dark Knight?
HG: I forgot all about it.
H: That was the whole thing- where he supports Harvey Dent because he’s like; it’s more important for you to be D.A. than for me to be Batman. Remember?
HG: No. But that was after he was Batman. Why didn’t he just run for office in the first place? Rich people can do things like run for office. So instead of putting together a retarded prototype suit and going and getting his ass kicked, he could have run for office.
H: That was not his path.
HG: I think it’s a cop-out. People don’t believe in public service anymore.
H: (Bale voice) “The government’s broken”
HG: Are you trying to tell me that Batman is like a vigilante Tea Partier? Anyway, these guys are so small, there voices wouldn’t sound like that. They’d be all, “mmeeemmee beep meep”