“I would say you could get rid of all your other superheroes because this is the zenith of action figures. It will never be better than this. This guy wins the award.” -Hagop’s Girlfriend
My girlfriend is back with another review. Today, she takes a look over the DC Universe Classics Legion of Superheroes 12-pack (exclusive to MattyCollector.com). This set sold out within hours of going on sale, but there has been talk about Mattel producing a second-run. So it may still become available if you happened to miss out.
Hagop: So this is the Legion of Superheroes. Or, at least, a selection of the Legion of Superheroes.
Hagop’s girlfriend: A selection of the Legion of Superheroes?
H: Well, there are many more members of the Legion of Superheroes.
HG: Will they be coming to live with us too?
H: If they ever get made, they certainly will.
H: So what you think?
HG: Well, first of all, there’s this guy [Proty]. We’ve discussed him a little bit already, and I told you that this is the greatest action figure ever created by mankind.
HG: He looks like buttered popcorn. He’s adorable. He’s waving, because he’s friendly. He’s my favorite. I would say you could get rid of all your other superheroes because this is the zenith of action figures. It will never be better than this. This guy wins the award.
HG: So can we agree that you will get rid of all of your other action figures, and we’ll just keep this one? We can even display him out in our living room. We can put him under a little plexi-glass thing.
H: But he’d be so lonely.
HG: I don’t know. He seems like a bit of an autodidact. I mean, he’s moved from protoplasm into a sentient being. So, he’ll probably like, learn from us and the cats and, you know…read. He’s probably a big reader. I think he’d be fine.
But- moving on. (sigh) There’s a lot of these guys. I think this might be one of the single biggest hauls that you’ve made. Most of the time when the action figure box comes to our house, it’s just like, a few action figures at a time. But this is (counting)…2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, 13 action figures and a giant, cardboard mansion for them to live in. So, there’s that.
H: Do you find that worrisome?
HG: I do. I do, actually. Particularly since you’ve said you want to keep the giant, cardboard mansion. ‘Cause I’m not sure where that is gonna go. We’ve pretty much maxed out our closet space.
H: We’ll have to figure that out. All will be well.
HG: Alright. Also, you were talking before about how this was supposed to be the Benetton of superhero teams?
H: Well, they’re all from different planets. And they represent the power of pluralism.
HG: Right. Except they’re all white people.
H: He [Braniac 5] is green. He [Chameleon Boy] is orange. He—
HG: He’s not orange! He’s peach.
H: He’s –
HG: Babe. Look. He is whiter than Superman.
H: He’s orange.
HG: I’m comparing him to my skin color, and it is basically the same. He’s white. I find it interesting that despite all of them being from different planets, they’re all white people. Well, I guess we don’t really know about this guy [Wildfire].
H: He’s actually made of pure energy.
HG: Alright. So he’s maybe not a white person. But we don’t know.
Again, I have to protest at the way which lady superheroes are sculpted.
HG: Specifically, this lady [Saturn Girl] …first of all she’s taller than Superman. I do have to complement them on the fact that they didn’t put her in high heels, which is patently ridiculous. But her waist– standing next to Superman– her waist is at the level of his biceps. And her breasts are at the level of his shoulders. I don’t know. I just feel like if you made this person person-sized, that the physics wouldn’t work and she would just tilt over. Her waist is too small. Where do her ribs go? I think her cup size would be EE, in actuality. Her head is too large for her neck. Her limbs are too—I just protest. She looks grotesque.
H: I concur that the female sculpts in this line could use some refinement.
HG: I don’t want to look at her anymore. Put her away.
And we talked a little about PFLAG here [Cosmic Boy]. Which, I guess in multiculturalism…
H: He’s actually not gay.
HG: No straight man wears that much pink.
H: He used to wear more pink back in the day.
HG: This is his more heterosexual costume? So we’re going backwards? We’re putting him back into the closet?
He’s got a crazy side-part, comb-over thing. A strange grimace. His eyebrows are very well groomed. Look at the arch. He’s got a perfect arch in his eyebrows. He’s wearing boy shorts that don’t completely cover his ass. Gay. Case closed. Who is that person in actually?
H: That’s Cosmic Boy. He’s sort of the de facto leader of the Legion.
HG: I don’t know. I mean…Look, I don’t know much about comic booklets. But if Superman is part of the crew, then Superman is the leader.
H: It’s Superboy, actually.
HG: He’s Superman.
H: Right. But it’s Superboy.
HG: There’s no difference between those two things.
H: I mean, it’s the same character, but he’s younger…It’s before he moved to Metropolis.
HG: So, this goes back in time? How is this..? The whole “timeline” is…
H: Ok. They are from the 30th century. And they go back in time, to when Superman was Superboy. And they recruit him to be in the Legion of Superheroes. And they take him to the future with them, as Superboy.
HG: But doesn’t he, then, overlap with his older self’s timeline and does that cause a rift in space and time?
H: No, because there isn’t a Superman in the 30th century. He’s long dead.
HG: I give up. I don’t want to look at him anymore. He’s boring.
Matter Eater guy- I do like him, although it looks like he has a tumor or a goiter. Like that pitcher that we saw in the Yankee game. Who was that?
H: Joaquin Benoit.
HG: It’s like that. It’s like he came to the Legion of Superheroes with a band aid on his face and Superboy was like, “That’s going to be a distraction. I need you to take that off.” And he did, and underneath the band aid was a giant ingrown hair.
H: That’s too bad for Matter Eater Lad.
HG: His name is ‘Lad’?
HG: Who is responsible for naming these people?
H: Hard to say. Probably Otto Binder.
HG: He did a bad job. Matter-Eater Lad?
H: They’re all “Lad” or “Boy”. It’s a theme. They’re young.
HG: It’s just derivative. These are not things they would have named themselves.
H: In 1959 they might have.
HG: I don’t think so. I know a lot about the human mind. This guy also looks a little constipated.
I like this guy.
H: That’s Chameleon Boy.
HG: I’m assuming his super power is to change colors?
H: He’s a shape shifter.
HG: Well, that’s not very accurate. Chameleons can change their color only. They always look like Chameleons.
H: It’s artistic license.
HG: Bullshit. I think that he should only be able to change colors. I think that that would actually be more interesting.
H: It wouldn’t be such a great super power though.
HG: How do you know? Think about it—he would be the greatest sociologist on Earth.
H: What—because he could be like in “Black Like Me”?
HG: Yes. Because he could change his skin color and go into any community and learn about their community as an insider.
H: But he’d have those big antennae, if he couldn’t change shape.
HG: Well, they don’t look that ingrained. You could probably just have those surgically removed. What does he need them for, anyway? They just seem decorative.
This guy looks like a race car driver in 1975. Who is he?
H: Lightning Lad.
HG: Lad, again?
H: Yes. He’s one of the three founders of the Legion.
HG: Is his super power the power to attract ladies with his mullet. In 1975?
H: He and Saturn Girl are an item.
HG: Is that the purple one that we just looked at? Give her back to me. She’s taller than all of the men, by the way. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It just seems…it’s the opposite of what I would assume because comic book people are sexist, so I would think they would make her smaller. She’s also got a giant ass, FYI. I do like that they’ve given her this little, crazy rubber skirt because, yeah- a lady would wear a crazy rubber skirt if this were how she was proportioned. I know, because this is sort of how I’m proportioned.
H: You like crazy rubber skirts?
HG: No. But if all my clothes were either plastic or rubber, I’d go with the rubber. (moving back to Lightning Lad) He even has sideburns. This guy’s gotta spend a lot of time on his hair. He’s like Warren Beatty in Shampoo, isn’t he? He’s a ladies man?
Ok, this guy we talked about. He’s The Wolf or something?
HG: He’s got crazy hair that points out the back, I guess it’s supposed to look like ears. He doesn’t have any pupils. He’s the only one with a decent costume. The rest of these people have stupid costumes but this guy has a good one. His power is the power of wolves?
H: Strength, speed, enhanced senses…
HG: Does he have a special affinity—when he goes “Awooo!” do wolves come?
HG: That would be better. Because wolves are pack animals. You should write to the comic book people and tell them they should make him have an affinity and friendship with wolves and then wherever he went he would be like, “Wolf friends, come to me!” and then they would come and they would rip the enemies of Timberwolf to pieces with their pointy teeth. That would be a dope super power.
Wait. Do they all have rings? Are they all Green Lanterns?
H: That is the Legion flight ring that they all wear.
(handing her the collector’s ring included in the set) See?
HG: This is heavy. This is not made of plastic.
H: Yeah, it’s nice right?
HG: I wouldn’t say it’s ‘nice’. But it’s heavy.
This guy is green and he also has ridiculous hair. Who is he?
H: That’s Brainiac 5.
HG: So he has the power of smartness?
HG: I have to respect the people who have the power of smartness. Can he do anything else?
H: His main weapon is an impenetrable force field, emitted from his belt.
HG: So he can think? He’s like, “Leave me alone, I have to think” and then he emits the force field. And then everybody’s like, “Hey, Brainiac-” bonk. And they bounce off of it, while he’s inside reading the encyclopedia. He has a practical outfit too. It’s like a sweat suit. I know I do most of my best thinking when I’m wearing a sweat suit.
Who is this one?
H: Ultra Boy.
HG: This guy’s stupid. Look at his boots. Case closed. Again with the stupid hair. It’s all ‘70s. What is he—does he have a castle somewhere? He has castle boots and castle things on his chest. He looks like he is the court jester. What is his belt all about? This looks like when you’re watching TV late at night and there’s a commercial for “The Amazing Vibrator Belt! Put it on and it emits high frequency vibrations that activate your core!” That’s what this guy’s doing. He feels fat around all the other superheroes and he was up late at night watching Hitler and the Occult on the History Channel and he saw this and got it. And so he wears it, and everybody else has such a funny costume that they don’t even notice that he’s all the time wearing this belt to work his core. Also, this guy doesn’t seem quite right. His face. His nose is too small. He looks crazy, right? As a human? Is he ‘touched’?
H: I don’t know what to tell you.
HG: So this guy is made of pure energy? What’s his name?
HG: Ugh. I do like his logo. Why is called Wildfire?
H: I’m not sure. He used to be called ERG-1
HG: He probably should have stuck with that. That’s more compelling. He would have sounded like a U-boat.
Wildfire. He sounds like a movie about women who move from a small town in Texas to the big city to work at a bar where they dance on the bar. He does have the best logo though.
This guy’s big [Colossal Boy]. Is he a member of some sort of Hitler Younth organization? This is not the double eagle of the Reich?
HG: Why does he wear this wimple?
H: No practical reason.
HG: You made a custom of him.
H: No. That’s a different giant guy. Goliath.
HG: How are they different?
H: Different publishers for one thing.
HG: There you go. But their power is bigness?
HG: What planet is he from?
H: He’s from Earth, I believe.
HG: Alright. Why is he wearing this hat though, for reals?
H: It was just a popular costume trope of the ‘70s.
HG: It’s a wimple. I had to wear one of these when we did Richard III at school. I played Queen Elizabeth. The school ran out of money because they spent it all on the set which was extraordinary. It was a giant skull with a raked stage. Anyway, they ran out of money for costumes so they made us these stupid looking wimples out of lycra. It looked like we were all wearing swim hats. That’s what he reminds me of.
H: Karate Kid.
HG: So he has the power of Karate. And he also has the power of starch (referring to KK’s collar). Doesn’t this fucking get in the way? What if goes to hug somebody? He’s like, “Come here man, I love you” and they’re like “Ow- my eye!”. He’s wearing a full turtle neck.
(Begins to read the packaging) This is a whooole thing. Rokk Crinn is Cosmic Boy. Irma? Ardeen is Sat—oh boy. Ooh! Drake Burroughs. (in a mock, sexy voice) Drake Burroughs. That’s awesome. The next time we get a pet let’s name him Drake Burroughs. Garth Ranzz—yes! Oh but the best one has to be Reep Daggle. Reep Daggle. Querl Dox? That’s alright. But Reep Daggle—that’s definitely the best.
So after looking at all of these, again, buttered popcorn is the greatest action figure I’ve ever seen. The sculpt is amazing. He’s awesome in every way. Does he have a power?
H: He’s a shape changer.
HG: Does he talk? Or does he just make, like, beeps and farts.
H: No, he can’t speak.
HG: Is he smart?
H: Oh yeah. He actually sacrificed his life to save Lightning Lad.
HG: Why did he have to—forget it, I don’t care.
H: And then there was another Proty. Proty II.
HG: Oh. Proty II. Just replace him! Just replace him with a guy that looks just like him and—so then everybody forgot about Proty I? Or Proty—his name is Proty.
H: No. They never forgot Proty.
HG: Bullshit. They forgot him. As soon as there was another Proty, they were like, “Oh, you’re just a blob too. We’ll call you Proty because you’re small and we don’t care about you. You’re not a white humanoid.” Why are they so racist against blobs of protoplasm?
Can I have him?