“Why don’t you love me, Terrax? I bought your shampoo!” – Hagop’s Girlfriend
A broken finger isn’t enough to keep my girlfriend from reviewing the most anticipated action figure line of 2012. Hasbro’s Marvel Legends 6″ figures have landed in the retail aisles, and my lady has taped up her proximal phalanges and is ready to offer her singular perspective on the initial offering.
Hagop: Here we go. It’s the return of Marvel Legends. Are you excited?
Hagop’s Girlfriend: Let’s do this thing.
H: You want to look at this guy first? (Commander Rogers)
HG: He’s still in his packaging.
H: Do I have to take him out for you?
HG: Yeah. I have a broken finger, remember? Why does he get two guns?
H: Why not?
HG: He’s got this whole… outfit. It’s broken. (pointing out the place where his belt attaches)
H: It’s supposed to do that.
HG: Oh, I see- it’s supposed to come apart, so you can undress him like a Barbie? These guns are like Barbie shoes. Because you always lose one of the Barbie shoes. Then eventually Barbies just don’t wear shoes. It’s a whole thing. Why is he so mad at me?
H: He’s got a job to do.
HG: He’s really, really mad at me. Also, is this person supposed to look like the movie person? (She means Chris Evans)
HG: ‘Cause he doesn’t look anything like the movie person. Why is his shield clear?
H: Because this is a variant figure, with an “energy” shield.
HG: Oh give me a break. Seriously?
HG: It’s honestly an “energy” shield?
H: The regular release figure comes with a regular shield.
HG: So this is the variant? His shield is the variant?
HG: I’m tired of him.
H: That was quick.
HG: I mean, we have a lot of people to get to. And he’s not that interesting. Even with his energy shield.
Alright, who’s this?
H: This is Klaw.
HG: Alright, I like him very much. Although I don’t know why his jaw is wired shut. It could explain why he’s so mad though. He probably hasn’t had solid food in– look at how thin he is.
H: He’s made out of sound; I don’t think he needs to eat.
HG: No, look—his jaw’s been wired shut. He’s soo thin. Gosh, he’s just been livin’ on smoothies. If he has to have another strawberry-banana smoothie, he’s gonna go berserk.
Why does he have a dreidel on his hand?
H: That’s his sound converter weapon.
HG: His joints are really loose and floppy. Why does he have Flintstone pants on?
H: That’s just…uh…I don’t know.
HG: So what is his deal? He’s made of sound?
H: Yes, he is made out of living sound, and he can create-
HG: “Living” sound?
H: -hard light objects out of sound.
HG: Hard light objects?
HG: What’s a hard light object?
H: It’s a construct made of light, but it’s a solid object. Like what Green Lanterns make with their rings. Only in his case, I guess they’re actually made of sound, rather than light.
HG: Is this a term– “hard light”? <sigh> I’m so tired of nerds.
This looks sort of like a darning egg. Can it come off of his hand? Can he have a normal hand?
HG: How does he put on his pants?
H: He’s not wearing clothes. He’s made out of sound.
HG: How does he cut his steaks?
H: He doesn’t eat.
HG: I hope he’s left handed. Look, I’ve had a broken finger for the past month. I know how it feels to operate with only one hand, and it’s hard. I feel sorry for him.
How many more guys are there to review?
H: Six more.
HG: That’s a lot.
H: How about a girl?
HG: Ok, let’s look at a girl. What is her name?
H: Hope Summers.
HG: Hope Summers. Why is she perpetually walking in a westerly breeze?
H: It’s just sculpted that way to give the figure a little…I don’t know…visual interest.
HG: Her costume is also subtly reminding you that she’s a lady.
HG: The ‘V’s. It’s all pointing right to her lady zones. She also has knee pads on. Not commenting on that. She’s sassy though. I like that about her. I like her hairstyle. I wish I could get my hair to do that.
H: But then you’d be stuck always walking in a westerly breeze.
HG: It’s true. Why is her cloak so ragged but the rest of her is not? Is that like how some people hang on to a ratty concert t-shirt from 8th grade?
H: I couldn’t say.
HG: But everything else about her is so shiny and new. Her hair is all fancy and it’s done. Then look at her cloak.
H: Couldn’t tell you. Moving on: The Constrictor
HG: Ooh, is he gonna constrict us? Is he like a boa constrictor? His name is a little on-the-nose. (getting a look at the figure) Oh! He’s scary, I like him! Nice color scheme, too. It’s like the Mets.
H: Uhhh….not exactly.
HG: Orange and blue?
H: Yeah, but it’s not really the same orange and blue.
HG: I like this guy. I like his feet. He has nice feet. Dancer’s feet. Is he a bad guy or a good guy?
H: He’s a bad guy.
HG: I guess I could sense that. He has fangs—did you see that? So what does he do? Does he wrap these tendrils around you?
H: Yep, you got it.
HG: Can he fly?
HG: I feel like that’s an oversight. He should be able to fly. He can’t, like, twirl these things around real fast and…
HG: Hold still. I’m going to constrict you.
H: Ahh! Stop!
HG: So why is he so angry? Did something happen to him?
H: Not really. He’s just rogue-ish.
HG: So, he doesn’t have any ideology? He’s just bad?
H: Yeah. A mercenary.
HG: Well, he’s a mercenary with lovely feet. He’s also very bendy in the midsection. I guess because he’s a snake.
Bring out the next guy.
Iron Man again? Oh- is this another one of your specials?
H: Variants. Yes. This is Iron Man’s stealth Extremis armor.
HG: He just looks like blue Iron Man.
H: Well that’s exactly what he is.
HG: I don’t really know what to say about him. He’s Iron Man.
H: Do you like the figure? As a toy?
HG: He’s boring.
H: What- Seen one Iron Man, you’ve seen ‘em all?
HG: I mean- well, no. But, comparatively. I mean, look at these other toys that we looked at. They have all these doo-dads and flibberty-gibbits.
Don’t get me wrong; It would be awesome to be Iron Man. If you could be any superhero, being Iron Man would probably be your best bet. I take it back- I mainly just want to be Tony Stark. But on a toy-by-toy basis, these other toys are a better toy than that toy. Don’t you think so?
H: Well I don’t know. I like the elegant design of this armor and the sculpt is very smooth and well executed.
HG: But was that an actual thing in the comic books?
HG: So this isn’t random toy company hoo-ha?
H: No. Although, I’m not sure there was ever a stealth version of this armor in the comics. So the variant paint scheme may be random toy company hoo-ha.
Let’s move on to Ghost Rider.
HG: It has to be said that he’s pretty cool.
HG: I like his flame head. I feel like I would want to chew on it. Like, it has a nice texture that would be nice to chew on.
H: Like a Jolly Rancher?
HG: Exactly. It reminds me of toys of my youth. Like when you would get a jelly bracelet or something and just chew on it.
His outfit makes him look a little gay. It’s a little over the top. Ghost Rider might be trying a little bit too hard.
H: Wouldn’t you say it’s a little more glam rock than gay? Like something from KISS?
HG: It’s like the Underworld films at this point. No one needs to wear that much leather. I’m sure at one point Kate Beckinsale’s outfit in Underworld was meant to be functional—“of course it’s got to be leather, she’s rolling around with vampires”–but then it just became…it’s a bit much. I feel the same way about this guy.
Why is he wearing a tuxedo motorcycle jacket? He’s got tails.
H: That, I don’t know.
HG: But I like his flaming head and his flaming epaulets. And I like his peplum made of chains. It reminds me of the weird under bodices that you have to wear underneath a hoop skirt. So if Ghost Rider wanted to do any Civil War reenacting, he would be good to go.
Are we going to talk about Thor now?
HG: Why is Thor so much bigger than the other guys?
H: That’s a good question.
HG: Well, it seems like a choice. Somebody made that decision.
H: I don’t know. I guess the thinking is that he’s a god; he’s super strong.
HG: But he’s almost as big as the giants and stuff. The fact that he’s so big just makes him seem more like a doll. Technically, these are all dolls anyway-
H: Not according to the import tariff guidelines.
HG: Alright. Well. Aside from that- they’re dolls. How else would you categorize them?
H: They’re action figures.
HG: But I think action figures are a subset of dolls. Ok, we’ll let that be. I feel like you’re getting upset. But this one feels more like a doll, because it’s so big.
He looks stern. I guess because he’s a little bigger they could get into more detail, so his face looks crazy but nice. His eyes are very painted and sort of sparkle.
Comic books are obsessed with knee guards. Comic book characters really want to protect their knees. I guess if you’re carrying a hammer around that’s this big you don’t want to be like, thuk- ow! My knee!
More people nowadays should wear capes.
H: You want to see the last one? This is Terrax.
HG: I’ll tell you this much. Whenever you say Terrax, all I can think of is the shampoo I used to use. Its brand name was Terax.
H: Really? That’s funny ‘cause he’s bald.
HG: It’s ironical.
That’s a big knife. He can make a big chopped salad. This is pretty lethal really. I see what they’re going for with this thing but if this were real, the blade side would be so heavy-
H: But he’s super strong.
HG: But look how big it is in relation to his body.
H: But he can just whip that thing around-
HG: He has a nice gold belt which appears to be strictly for show-serves no purpose- along with some giant shoulder pads. It looks a little like a costume from Xanadu. Why is he so angry?
H: He’s just ready to fight.
HG: What’s his story though-he’s a bad guy, right?
H: Yes. He’s a herald of Galactus.
HG: Oh I know that one.
He looks like he just smelled something bad.
H: Or maybe he just looked at you.
HG: Awww, why don’t you love me Terrax? I bought your shampoo!
And his beard-his…his whole thing…he likes geometry. He’s into planes.
H: He has a stony exterior. It’s thematic to his powers; he can manipulate earth and rock.
HG: How many powers does he get? He has the power of giant knife. And the power of super strong.
H: He’s been endowed with the power cosmic by Galactus, the world devourer.
HG: Wait- the power of cosmic?
H: The power cosmic.
So… who’s your favorite?
HG: I think it’s a tie between Satellite-Hand and Crazy Whips. They’re best friends. Because they both have nose outfits, they both have crazy hands which means they can never really be loved, and they could both stand to have a good meal. So maybe if anything good comes out of this review, it’ll be to bring these two closer together.