“This is all about the chair, isn’t it?”
– Hagop’s Girlfriend
In the latest installment, my girlfriend reviews the DC Club Infinite Earths exclusive Metron figure, by Mattel.
Hagop: Would you like to begin by looking over the box?
Hagop’s Girlfriend: First of all, for the record, it does say ‘adult collector’ on it, which is…you know…maybe a little sad, but also at least it’s correctly labeled. As opposed to the other things that say, like, ages 6 and above, which is a little disingenuous.
(Referring to the box art) Ok, so he’s like a really sexy looking Green Lantern? I don’t know. I guess he’s ‘Metron’.
H: Why don’t you read the copy?
HG: <sigh> Ok. So, he’s a New God of mysterious origin. He travels through space and time using his Mobius chair. So, he’s Dr. Who.
HG: Who came first, Dr. Who or this guy?
H: Dr. Who, actually.
HG: Ok. Is his Mobius chair bigger on the inside? “He’s an ally to no one”. Wait- so he’s not even choosing sides. He’s like Switzerland. So he is Dr. Who. He’s Dr. Who.
H: Dr. Who chooses sides.
HG: He chooses sides, but he’s no one’s ally, he’s just himself. (Continues reading) He’s helped Superman, he’s helped the Justice Society…ok so let me see this person.
Oh boy. Oh my god. How long is this going to live on our bookshelf?
H: A nice, long time.
HG: I thought so.
He’s got an under bite. They all have under bites. The back of the chair is very intricately crafted but also has all the ‘trademark Mattel’ and stuff. They shouldn’t do that.
H: Well they’ve got to put that somewhere.
HG: Oh, look- it spins. It’s like the wheel on the old iPod.
Chair is a little too big for him. When he’s flying around space and time, he’s not going like this? (She makes the figure slide and bang around in the chair) That’s what Dr. Who does inside the TARDIS. I’m sorry; I could tell you were getting a little nervous when I was doing that. Do you like him?
HG: You really like him? The bottom of his chair is all fancy too. Did you have to put the chair together?
H: It came in two pieces that snap together.
HG: So the chair is cool. Did he make the chair? I mean, the character- did he construct the chair on his own?
H: He did.
HG: For what purpose?
H: For travelling through space and time.
HG: But is he like, the last of his species? Or…what’s his deal?
H: He’s one of the New Gods.
HG: Of mysterious origin.
H: Of mysterious origin.
HG: Ok. Kind of a cop out, but whatevs.
H: He’s from the planet New Genesis.
HG: That doesn’t seem like a planet to me. They wouldn’t name the planet New Genesis.
H: Why not?
HG: Did they come from Earth? So why do they speak English and why are they saying it’s…the Bible?
One of his hands is a little like…monster hand. He’s like, “Rarrr!”
H: That’s so he can grip the arm rest.
HG: And what’s going on on his outfit? He has blue eyebrows? Are those like, eyebrow guards? Is his helmet guarding his eyebrows?
H: I guess so.
HG: His eyes are a little lifeless.
H: Well he is inanimate.
HG: As a character?
H: No- I mean it’s a toy.
HG: So how does this chair work? Does this spin like a helicopter? And it just helicopters him out of things?
H: Uh…basically. Let’s just say, yes.
HG: So…does he always stay in the chair?
H: Oh, he gets out of the chair sometimes.
HG: But then what happens if somebody else gets in the chair?
H: I don’t know.
HG: Does he disguise it as a police call box?
H: I don’t think anyone’s ever tried to steal his chair.
HG: That’s the first thing I would do. Ok, on the back of the box, it says that at a certain point “he discovered a plot to destroy the Fourth World of the New Gods and simply stood back to watch the destruction unfold.” So if he had gotten up at any point, and the destruction of the world was going on, I’d be like, “Babe, get the cats.” And then we would go and all crouch in the chair and we would try and steal it.
H: But you wouldn’t even know how to operate it.
HG: If our world was being destroyed? And there was a TARDIS chair? You wouldn’t at least give that a shot? If he didn’t leave it locked up.
Ok, what else about this guy… He’s kind of cool, I guess. He’s blue. He’s a Caucasian male. Because all superheroes are white American males. Well, I mean, not all of them, but…many of them are white Caucasian males. Even though he’s wearing a blue bodysuit and is an alien. He has a bindi. What else can you tell me about this young man? Why do you like him so much?
H: He is a key character in the Fourth World saga.
HG: That’s all the Jack Kirby stuff?
H: Yeah. And he has the chair.
HG: We have chairs, too.
I’m not going to criticize him.
H: You can. This is a review, right?
HG: Yeah, I guess. Alright, so I’m going to critique him for the nerds, for the special ways they like to know: All of his joints look super. He has excellent joints. His head moves. So if you want to move his head, you can move his head. Also, it has the thing where he has blue underwear on and if you move his legs to make him sit or stand or do things, the paint goes all the way up in his joint. I think that’s an important thing to nerds, right? So you can’t see the line where the paint stops?
H: (laugh) uhhh…I’m not sure, but ok.
HG: Seriously, isn’t that a thing?
H: Not particularly.
HG: Alright. He can do the splits both horizontal and vertically. You’ll do pictures of that.
HG: He has bendy ankles. What are other things that you nerds care about? What do you like about him?
H: Aside from the chair? I think the paint applications are neat and crisp. I appreciate that his hands are sculpted to grip the chair.
HG: This guy (Metron box art) looks like an actor. He looks like the guy who played….he was in Band of Brothers, he’s British…he was also in the mini series State of Play…umm…he…I’m going to find this. (Pulls up IMDB on her computer) You’re going to be so blown away when you see the picture of this person.
H: Is that him?
H: Mark Warren?
HG: Tell me that doesn’t look exactly like the guy on the box. Ok, this is not a great picture. I’m telling you, it’s uncanny. See, when he’s looking seductive?…right?
H: I guess I can see it.
HG: At any rate…
I’m happy that you like this character. He does have a giant chair. I mean, really this is all about the chair, isn’t it?
H: It kind of is.
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